The Rizmoes are a family of southern New Jersey folklore, possibly fictitious (I am still not quite sure), that eats children. No pictures of the Rizmoe family exist, but hard eye witness sketches, pictured right, lead me to believe this “kidniverous” clan does exist and have in fact been eating children since before I was a born. They also eat pets, rotten peaches, hobos, green tomatoes and dandelions, but to my understanding, their primary diet consists of children.
My grandfather, Lewis Sandro, first taught us of this diabolical family. Whether or not he concocted this tale tale himself, or if it was something he heard and then passed on, I do not know. (As an interesting aside, I USED to think so many of the colorful things and phrases my grandfather coined were 100% his own, and I’d think, how clever this guy is! Then years would go by, I’d watch a movie about the 1930’s and someone would say one of the terms I thought was his and I’d be like…DAMN! Grampy stole that one! Smellum is one that comes to mind…when I watched O Brother where Art Thou, I found out it was real stuff!! He used it to describe cologne…it was actually a hair product.) But anyway, whether the legend of the Rizmoes was his, or he lifted the Rizmoes from someone else, the Rizmoes have terrified me and my cousins for generations.
- I AM GONNA FEED YOU TO THE RIZMOES!
- I AM GONNA SEND YOU TO THE RIZMOES!
- I AM GONNA PLANT YOU IN THE RIZMOES FIELDS! (Grampy was a farmer)
These were the most common threats. The threat was real. It was palpable. I thought it died with my grandfather, but recently, the RIZMOE scourge has resurfaced! My sister, once a toddler that herself was terrified by the Rizmoes tale, is using it to scare her own kids! Of course it has taken a new twist since it’s the new millennium, she says… “I am gonna CALL the RIZMOES.” (Makes sense!? It’s 2008, I am sure the Rizmoes are telephone people now, hell, she could probably even text them!)
Anyway it was working great. Her son cowers at the Rizmoe threat, just like generations before him have. Whatever misbehavior caused the Rizmoe call threat, ceases immediately. Her youngest however? Her youngest is apparently the famous “chosen” one of Rizmoe Prophecy and Folklore… Jessica the Rizmoe Slayer. She is completely unphased by this evil clan and even has taken to calling them on her own! If you or any of your family have seen a Rizmoe, live in fear of the Rizmoes, or are currently being eaten by a Rizmoe… call my niece on my sister’s cell phone!